


Hold You Now

by devilcat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canon Universe, Denial of Feelings, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Heart-to-Heart, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Not Actually Unrequited Love, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 21:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20955152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilcat/pseuds/devilcat
Summary: "Was he really going to leave him alone like this, with nothing but his anger? If he couldn't give him resolution, or trust, or love, could he not at least have this? Remus suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything he'd endured the past few weeks, maybe even years. All the secrets he had to keep, the burden he was to his friends, the betrayal he felt from Sirius, and overall the constant, enduring rejection of loving someone incapable of loving you back."After Sirius betrays his trust Remus struggles with himself.





	Hold You Now

**Author's Note:**

> Lord help me I'm back on my bullshit.

It is impossible to ignore Sirius Black. Trying to ignore Sirius is like ignoring an elephant in the room, but at least an elephant can't speak. At least an elephant won't realize you're ignoring it. At least an elephant would have the common fucking courtesy to respect that you're ignoring it and leave you well enough alone. Remus sighed, why was he so stuck on elephants? He looked around for something, anything, to drink and spotted an unattended glass of mystery liquid perched on a table nearby. Brilliant. He downed it in one gulp and grimaces, fire whiskey. Nasty stuff, that.

The common room was currently abuzz because something or another had happened in a quidditch match. Remus supposed it hardly mattered whether the team won or lost anymore, Gryffindor just loved to party. Ever since they began their fifth year at Hogwarts the Marauders had become unofficial hosts of every major happening. Much to the chagrin of those with the audacity to try and focus on schoolwork instead of getting pissed in the name of house spirit. 

Normally Remus would be thrilled to join the frivolity, but tonight was unlike any other night for one simple fact-- Remus could not stand Sirius Black. 

Sirius had done the unthinkable and betrayed Remus's trust in a way he still struggled to comprehend, by letting Snape know where to find him during the full moon. He had risked Remus's entire future, and all of their lives, by outing him as a monster to his enemy. When they had first told Remus he had assumed they were joking, even Sirius couldn't be that thoughtless. Not about him, anyway. He remembered shaking his head in horror, staring blankly at James. "I'm so sorry, mate." He'd said, although they both knew sorry wasn't enough, not this time. James couldn't even look Remus in the eye as he explained what had happened that night. Solid, dependable James.

Sirius had tried to stop by the hospital wing in person but Remus growled at him to get out, flinging bed pans at him with his wand. Since then Remus had communicated with him solely in perfunctory gestures, and only for the sake of poor James and Peter who still had to live with the two boys. That hadn't stopped Sirius from using every opportunity to try and corner him into a conversation; and when that didn't work he resorted to absurd gestures such as organizing Remus's notes or leaving chocolate for him to find in his favorite corner of the library. Once that didn't work the other boy had wallowed for a solid couple days before turning to his most annoying tactic yet: flat-out ignoring that Remus was ignoring him.

Just thinking about it caused a surge of adrenaline to spike through Remus's system, and he practically shook with rage. Normally right after a full moon he found himself exhausted and his mood more docile, but lately it felt as if the wolf was with him all the time. The amount of energy it took to appear calm and level-headed was exhausting him on a daily basis. Rationally he knew that he couldn't stay like this forever. He would have to sort through his feelings at some point instead of stoutly ignoring Sirius, but he found himself more than a little bit afraid of where that conversation would end up. At least ignoring him was simple. Feelings are harder, and expressing them the hardest of all.

He sighed, rubbing his temples. This was too much too handle sober. Remus turned away and looked for something else to drink, trying his best to ignore the knots in his stomach. Maybe he should just head to bed. Which would be weirder, staying and glowering at anyone who dared to be happy or pulling a disappearing act at his best friend's own party? He found a punch bowl and poured himself a cup, praying that the alcohol in it wasn't fire whiskey.

It was.

He chugged the foul liquid anyway, tossing it back with his eyes closed to get it over with quickly. A feeling of warmth spread through his belly and he relaxed slightly. Perhaps he could salvage the night if he proceeded to get completely smashed.

"You alright there, Moony?" A familiar voice slurred, and the fire in Remus's belly quickly turned to ice. Sirius was sauntering over to him. He placed a hand heavily on Remus's shoulder, leaning in just a bit too far before calibrating his body weight and leaning back. He must already be drunk, how utterly annoying that one can still look so regal while drunk. Must be one of the many benefits of a posh, pureblood upbringing.

Remus nodded, doing his best to maintain a look of cold indifference on his face even as he entertained the idea of smashing his cup on Sirius's forehead. Unfortunately his response didn't pacify Sirius, who was looking up at him with what could only be described as puppy dog eyes. A moment of silence passed between them, and Remus noticed Sirius still hadn't removed his hand from his shoulder but was instead squeezing tightly. He thought about shrugging him off, but he didn't think he could manage to do it. Not with Sirius staring up at him like that.

"Remus... can we talk?" Sirius asked in a rough voice, sounding oddly together for someone so clearly sloshed.

Remus's eyes widened, Sirius hadn't asked Remus to have a "talk" since the night it happened. He had assumed Sirius incapable of that level of emotional wherewithal. He wanted to talk to Sirius about it, if only to tell him in no uncertain terms to sod off, but he had fully anticipated that he'd be the one to initiate that conversation once his temper cooled. To be asked so directly by Sirius was... alarming. He knew the mature thing to do would be to accept and discuss how he felt with Sirius.

Unfortunately, Remus was a coward.

"We are talking." Remus replied, finally turning away from Sirius so that the other boy's arm fell limply off his shoulder. He poured himself another large glass of the punch, despite already feeling quite tipsy- if the heat in his face was any indication. He pointedly ignored the weight of Sirius's stare on his shoulders, and turned back to him nonchalantly as if he only just realized the boy was still there.

Sirius looked crestfallen. Remus gazed in astonishment at the plain hurt etched into every line of Sirius's face, and his anger was momentarily replaced with concern.

"Sirius..." He began, trailing off. He didn't even know what to say. It was Sirius's own damn fault that things between them were this way, so where did he get off looking at Remus like he was the one who got hurt? It wasn't Remus's responsibility to babysit him and his emotional turmoil, not anymore.

"I think..." He began again, hesitating. He took a large swig of his drink and willed the world to grow fuzzy around the edges so he could forget this whole conversation. Forget Sirius ever existed. Forget how he had once felt about their closeness, their friendship, and everything they'd ever shared. Forget, forget, forget.

"Just leave me alone, okay?" He finished lamely, shoving past Sirius. He suddenly felt extremely hot and needed fresh air more than he'd ever needed anything his whole life. Who did She think he was? Destroying Remus's trust like that and then just... just coming up to him at a party to try and make amends? The _ nerve. _

Properly seething now, Remus jostled his body and sloshed his drink over the teeming masses in the common room before making his escape to the dormitory. As soon as he'd closed the door behind himself and shut out the sounds of the party below he realized he was grinding his teeth, and grabbed his jaw in an effort to will it to relax. Perhaps he needed to drink more? He drained the remnants of the punch, although not much was left since he spilled it in his hasty exit. Luckily he knew where Sirius and James kept their stash of liquor, and if Remus happened to steal some, well... wasn't that only fair, in a way?

He made his way over to Sirius's corner of the room, rolling his eyes at the state of the sheets before rummaging through his underwear for a spare bottle of... irish cream? Remus grimaced, he knew Sirius liked sweet stuff but this was too much. He poured himself a glass anyways with a huge sigh. He didn't plan on going back to the party so this would have to do for now. 

His cup now full with a dangerous amount of syrup-y liquid he finally made his way over the window. Remus particularly enjoyed the view from their dormitory because it overlooked the yard and into the forbidden forest. Something about the forest spoke to him of life and ancient magic, and it gave off an almost intoxicating aroma the closer he got to a full moon. He never admitted this to anyone since he assumed it was a side effect of lycanthropy, and he wanted to do all he could to avoid othering himself further from the wizarding world. But in private moments like this, when he was sitting in the window with no one to look and no one to pass judgement, he let himself feel--truly feel-- the pull of natural magic. Breathing deep he flicked his wand, opening up the window and climbing his way onto the roof.

He teetered slightly as he lifted himself past the window ledge and onto a makeshift alcove in the castle wall located above the window, being careful not to spill his drink. Some long-lost sober remnant of his brain reminded him this was dangerous and stupid, but he simply ignored it. Sometimes life called for a little bit of dangerous and stupid. At least the only one he was endangering was himself.

He seated himself over the dormitory window, long legs swinging past almost as if he floated in mid-air. He hated to fly on a broom but somehow minded this less, even though he realized that this was probably more dangerous. He finally took a sip of his drink and gagged. It practically coated his throat, why did Sirius like this shit? He coughed, even the fire whiskey would be preferable to this. He still didn't feel prepared enough emotionally for sobriety, however; so down the hatch it went.

As he drank he could hear some of the commotion in the common room. If the cheers were any indication James had done something spectacular. Or stupid. Perhaps spectacularly stupid?

Remus sighed, what was wrong with him? Here his friends were throwing a rager of a party and he was drinking stolen alcohol alone on the castle roof like a sad sack. His stomach growled uncomfortably and he realized he'd missed dinner too, while he was busy ignoring Sirius. The fear of being seated with him in the dining room had far outweighed his desire to feed himself, but now here he was with an empty stomach and regret. Why should he be the one alone when it had been Sirius's mistake? Despite knowing he was in the wrong James had stayed true to Sirius, not like Remus expected him to turn on his best friend or anything but the blatant favoritism still stung. And Pete of course, went wherever James led, could hardly blame the guy for that. Being disowned by the Black family only made Sirius the Gryffindor golden child. Girls swooned over his bad boy attitude and sad past, and teachers ate up his cavalier attitude paired with a natural intelligence. Only a handful of people had seen Sirius's dark moments, his weaknesses and his emotional tirades. Remus had once counted himself lucky to be a part of the trusted few who had gained access to the secrets of castle Black.

They'd shared a lot of private moments together recently, and he'd started to feel like they shared something... special. It felt different than what he shared with James. It was something unique to them, and Remus had found himself longing to be with Sirius and sad when they were apart. He closed his eyes as a swirl of emotions welled up and threatened to overtake him. He should have known no one, but especially not someone like Sirius, could honestly take a special interest in him-- a lowborn werewolf. No future, no prospects, a monster. He was worse than a fool.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, looking out at the forbidden forest below. He wondered how many werewolves were out there, living among the other supernatural creatures who called the forest home. Creatures so unlike him in many ways, and yet they shared the same disease. Maybe they had the right idea. Maybe he was the one playing pretend by acting like he could still be a wizard, or even human. Maybe it was really his fault for letting human desires cloud his judgement. After all, none of this would have happened if he hadn't let Sirius in on his secret in the first place.

"My fault, my fault, my fault," Remus thought to himself with a scowl. He took a begrudging sip of his drink in an attempt to keep his thoughts at bay, unfortunately it appeared to be doing the opposite. 

"My fault for trusting him, my fault for telling him, my fault for loving him..." 

Even though he knew no one could hear his innermost thoughts, he still blushed. Love... a word he'd been avoiding for so long when it came to Sirius. What does it even mean to love someone? He loved James and Peter, and he loved Sirius. But the way he loved Sirius, and the way he made him feel was something... other. Something heady and overwhelming. It was partially why he couldn't stand to look Sirius in the eye anymore. Having unrequited feelings for your best friend was terrible enough without adding his feelings of anger and betrayal into the mix.

The drink turned sour on his tongue, and he wondered if he was going to be sick. Puking over the castle wall seemed like an appropriate way to cap off the night. He groaned, leaning back so he could rest his warm face on the cool stone. He wasn't sure if it was all of the different drinks he'd ingested or thinking about Sirius but he felt worse than he'd felt since the last full moon, and wallowing in his own self-pity certainly wasn't doing him any favors.

"Mooooony, where are youuu?" A voice called from the window below.

Remus tensed, moving his legs up quickly but not quick enough apparently, because he heard a derisive scoff from the person below him.

"Moony I can still see your ridiculously gangly limbs from here." He heard a grunt and peered down to see James hanging halfway out the window.

"You're going to hurt yourself!" Remus admonished with a frown. Star quidditch player or not James was probably far too intoxicated to climb around the castle.

"Are you serious mate? You're the one on the roof! Err... why are you on the roof by the way?" James asked, a cloud shifted and moonlight streamed onto James face. Remus could clearly see he was concerned, and guilt ate away at his insides. How was it possible to feel this many emotions at once, he wondered. Surely there was a limit.

"I..." Remus paused, "...was avoiding Sirius." He mumbled. Being found wallowing on the roof was embarrassing enough, he might as well go all the way and spill his guts to James too. Really salt the wound.

"I figured as much." James sighed, clambering out of the window to sit next to Remus.

"Oi!" Remus shouted indignantly, praying to a nonexistent god that he wasn't about to watch his friend plummet to his death.

James chuckled. "Relax you fucking baby, if you can get up here there's no way I can't. See?" He said, gesturing to his body now located safely next to Remus. "Now tell ol' Jamesy your problems." He said sympathetically, patting Remus on the knee.

Remus rolled his eyes, but a slight smile curled his lips. James was as sincere and reliable as a teenage boy could be expected to be, and Remus often wondered how he'd been lucky enough to land such a good friend. 

"You already know my problem with Sirius." He responded. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one with his wand, there was no way he could have a "feelings" conversation with only irish cream at his side. James looked at him with thinly veiled disgust, he hated that Sirius and Remus smoked though he was too polite to mention it. 

Remus chuckled. "Sorry Potter. If I had a better drink maybe I could go without the nicotine, but not tonight." 

James took the cigarette out of Remus's hand and flicked it over the roof, pressing a cold butterbeer into Remus's hand before he could protest.

"Well it looks like it's both of our lucky nights then!" He laughed at Remus's shocked expression, "I knew the fire whiskey wouldn't be to your taste so I had some of these stashed away for you, but you left the party so quick I didn't get a chance to tell you."

"M'Sorry about that." Remus mumbled, running his thumb over the condensation on the beer bottle. He opened it using the side of the castle wall and took a long swig. The refreshing liquid warmed him from the inside out and he was nearly overwhelmed with gratitude.

"Merlin's beard, bless you James Potter." He said, sighing contently.

"Cheers." James said, and they sat in companionable silence for awhile as Remus drank his beer. He wondered what time it was, and if the party was dying down at all. He tried not to think about Sirius and what he was up to, but the thought hovered at the edge of his mind like a ghost. He frowned at the dregs of his beer. Why did he let a single person occupy his mind so much, especially one who had shown through his actions that he didn't care what happened to him at all?

"He was pretty broken up, you know, when you wouldn't have a chat with him." James finally said, startling Remus out of his silent reverie. 

"Taking his side then, are you?" Remus responded bitterly. He wanted to be kinder but that was all he had left, bitterness.

"Don't be like that Remus." James said softly.

Remus glared at him, his emotions boiling over like a kettle. "Like what exactly, james? Angry? I have every right to be angry! I've spent a significant portion of my life caged up like a fucking animal! If anyone in that room down there knew what I was they'd hunt me down with bloody pitchforks!" He shouted, gesturing wildly in the direction of the common room. "I have only a few years left before I'm outed as a monster and one of the only people I've trusted with this life-ending secret used it as a _ practical fucking joke. _ How can I forgive him? _ Why _should I forgive him? And how dare you come to me under the guise of friendship only to ambush me about Sirius's feelings!" He realized he was shaking, his fists balled at his sides. He looked away from James in shame, he had no idea where all of that had come from. Normally he was excellent at maintaining his composure, but the Sirius thing had started to unravel him at his core.

James said nothing, and the weight of Remus's outburst laid between them like a tangible thing.

"I'm sorry." Remus said, "I don't know what came over me, I-"

"Don't." James said, raising a hand to silence Remus, "Don't apologize for being honest. And for what it's worth, you're right."

"I'm... what?" Remus said in shock. James turned to him, his face deadly serious.

"You're right Moony." James said, putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. "We aren't children anymore, we're nearly grown. We've treated your lycanthropy like it's a schoolboy joke and I'm sorry. I think it's hard for all of us, in a way. I can't say I understand what you're going through, but I hate that you're going through it. And I hate that Sirius only made it worse." 

"Thank you..." Remus said, his voice sounding small and disbelieving in his ears. He hadn't expected James to apologize to him, he hadn't even felt like he needed to, but hearing those words eased a pain Remus didn't even know he'd been carrying.

James nodded. "Now, I'm not saying you should forgive Sirius," He began cautiously, "But I still think you should talk to him. Whether you forgive him or not is your choice, and I'll stand by you either way, but I think you could both save each other a lot of hurt if you just hashed things out now."

Remus frowned. He looked down to see he'd been furiously scratching off the label of his butterbeer and he sighed, setting it aside. Of course James thought it could all be that easy. They could just talk it out and everything would be right as rain. He didn't understand that there was more to the issue than Sirius's moment of blind stupidity, that underneath it all there was a current of hurt running deep through him. A voice telling him that he deserved this. How could he explain the depth of his feeling to Sirius, to anyone? He hardly understood it himself.

"It's not that simple." He said, settling for that.

James nodded. "No, I suppose not." He said, "But at least it would be a start?" He provided, a hopeful tone in his voice.

Remus nodded back, more to appease James than out of any true agreement. "Yeah, s'pose it's that at least."

"Good man." James responded, clapping him on the knee. "How about another beer, eh?" 

Remus smiled, "Now you're finally talking some sense, Potter."

Down in the common room the party was still going, although it had died down some. Tomorrow was a Saturday so the festivities would probably drift well into the night, but considering exams were right around the corner a portion of the Gryffindors were turning in early in the hopes of a productive Sunday. The talk on the roof had sobered Remus up considerably, so he'd been making up for lost time by chugging butterbeer like his life depended on it and bouncing from group to group of his peers. This night was not going to be a waste, damn it, even if he had to fit an entire party into the span of two hours.

James had gone over to talk with Pete and some Ravenclaws from their herbology class, although his eyes kept drifting off to Lily as they so often did. Remus noticed that Lily was studiously ignoring him, which must take a lot of effort considering James's pining was so evident he was basically one step away from declaring his intentions aloud for all to hear. Remus snorted, did he look that ridiculous ignoring Sirius?

Remus's stomach dropped, and he sat his half-drunk beer on a table with a thud. Where had that thought even come from? He wondered frantically, what a weird thing to think about his mate. His ex-mate, rather. God he must be drunker than he thought. He only came up with crazy notions like this while he was hammered. Was it still too late to sneak off to the kitchens? He's a prefect, no one should question him.

And with that idea now firmly lodged in his alcohol-ridden brain, he stumbled out through the fat lady's portrait and proceeded to make his way to the Hogwarts kitchen. Even in the dark it was easy for him to make his way around the castle, this was due in equal parts to both his excellent night-vision as well as his sense of smell. Even in the wee hours of the night the scent of baking bread and spices wafted through the corridors, beckoning him closer and closer.

Moments later he exited the kitchen, a massive turkey sandwich in his hand and pockets overflowing with various sweets. He practically inhaled the food as he made his way back, feeling more peaceful than he had in ages. Maybe all he needed was a good meal? Not likely, but maybe. He took a shortcut through another corridor in order to make the journey quicker, if he got caught with all this food it would be much harder to convince anyone he was just out for a patrol. 

He was almost home free when he smelled the unmistakably musty scent of Filch and Mrs. Norris. He hung a left only to catch a glimpse of the cat up near the common room, the soft pattering of her feet growing still, she let out a shrill meow that echoed through the halls. Shit, shit, buggering shit, Remus thought, so close yet so far away. God damn that disgusting cat, it had never liked him. He ran back until he encountered a statue he knew hid a passageway behind it, fumbling with his wand he tapped all around the statue and whispered the password, the uneven steps of Filch echoing behind him closer and closer. After what seemed like an eternity the statue sprang aside and he gladly ensconced himself in the cool darkness-- breathing a sigh of relief as soon he was hidden from sight. Mere seconds later he heard Filch pausing in front of the statue, Mrs. Norris meowing insistently. 

Remus backed up a few steps, only to step on something soft and squishy behind him, causing him to fall backwards in shock with a barely suppressed yelp. Pastries scattered everywhere and he felt an eclair squish in the pocket of his robes, what the fuck had he stepped on?

"Bloody hell!" The unidentified mass said, "Lumos!" Remus tried to shield his eyes but he was blinded by the sudden spell, white light pressing in on his eyelids as harsh as the rising sun. He didn't think anyone aside from the marauders knew about the secret tunnels, which meant...

"Remus... is that you?" Sirius whispered. His voice sounded hoarse, like he'd been crying. Shit.

"Would you turn your fucking wand off, please? I'm trying to hide, not go blind." Remus answered angrily. Sirius quickly apologized and the spell went out, leaving them in darkness once more.

Of all the people to be trapped in a small, dark, tunnel with; why oh why did it have to be Sirius Fucking Black? The situation felt all too intimate, even ignoring the fact that Remus had spent the better portion of the evening drinking alone on a roof thinking about him. Their legs were practically touching in the narrow tunnel and they both shifted uncomfortably, bringing their knees up. He wondered if Sirius didn't want to touch him, not that it mattered, he reminded himself. It would never matter.

"So what are you doing sitting in the dark?" Remus asked gruffly, picking bits of stray food out of his hair. 

"Why do you care?" Sirius said, and even in the dark Remus could've sworn he was pouting, "You've made it pretty clear you want nothing to do with me."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Still dramatic as ever, I see." Sirius shifted angrily, and now that his eyes were adjusting Remus could see that he was sitting with his head down, his black locks spilling over his arms. Remus's heart ached at the sight, he'd always loved Sirius's hair. He had asked Remus to braid it once when they were both very drunk, although neither had known how so he more or less spent time running his fingers through it and marveling at the softness. Even now, as angry as he was, he longed to reach out and touch it. To make Sirius close his eyes in that soft way again, like he found Remus's touch pleasant instead of something to be avoided. 

"Filch is gone, you can go now." Sirius said, his muffled voice distracting Remus from his train of thought. 

Remus hesitated. Leaving felt like the smarter decision. Yet James's words on the roof kept playing back in his head as he stared at Sirius, "He was pretty broken up, you know." At the time Remus was too angry at James to really dwell on what that meant, yet here was the evidence right in front of him. Sirius certainly did look broken up. He'd already backed out of one conversation with him, he probably owed it to the other boy to stay.

Or at least, that's what he'd tell himself.

"I'm fine here, thanks." He said coolly. Sirius's head perked up and Remus could see his eyes were red-tinged and puffy. The thought of Sirius crying over him brought up a cocktail of emotions he wasn't entirely proud of. On one hand seeing someone as confident as Sirius reduced to tears is awful, but seeing actual physical evidence of his remorse was nonetheless gratifying. It was a selfish thing to think but he felt entitled to a certain level of selfishness. 

They sat in silence for awhile, neither boy wanting to be the first to speak. After a couple of minutes Sirius opened his mouth, only to quickly close it when Remus looked up at him expectantly. He began to grow annoyed as it became abundantly clear Sirius was expecting him to make the first move. Fine, he thought to himself, but he wasn't going to spare his feelings then. 

"I don't understand why you're so upset." Remus said finally, "Why would it even matter to you if we never spoke again? It's not like you were thinking about me when... well, the night it happened. Seems pretty obvious you don't give a rat's ass what I think or feel, so why pretend?"

Sirius's jaw dropped, and Remus refused to look in his direction. He knew that saying that to Sirius's face while he was clearly upset bordered on cruel, but it was how his actions had made him feel. He had a feeling this was not what James had meant when he told him to talk to Sirius.

"Is that... honestly what you think?" Sirius asked. He had brought his hands down to his sides and balled them into fists. Remus could smell the familiar scent of anger wafting off of him. Ever since the other boys had become animagi their emotions had taken on a more animalistic quality. Remus hadn't mentioned it to them but it had become easier for him to notice their change in moods. 

"It's what I said, isn't it?" Remus responded. He stretched his legs out defiantly, making an effort to take up the limited space they were sharing. Sirius to his credit, didn't move away from him.

"How can you think I don't care about you?" Sirius hissed angrily, "How can you think that, after all the time we've spent together? After everything I've done? I became an animagus illegally just to spend more time with you-"

Remus let out a bark of laughter, anger bubbling up inside him. "For ME? I told all of you NOT to! You did that for yourself, you and James just wanted to prove how brilliant you are, once again! Black and Potter, the stars of Gryffindor!" He yelled the last part mockingly, and watched in satisfaction as Sirius's eyes grew dark with anger.

"Am I making you angry Sirius?" He asked innocently, "Please tell me if I am, I would _ never _want to do anything that would endanger our friendship!"

"Fuck you!" Sirius shouted, getting to his feet. Remus got up as well, his body humming with anger. 

"Fuck you!" He shouted back, shoving Sirius into the wall as hard as he could.

The force of the shove knocked Sirius's head against the wall and he reached up to grab the back of it, a look of shock at Remus's outburst plain across his face. They'd fought verbally more times than he could count, but never physically, not like this at least-- as nearly full grown men rather than school boys. He felt a twinge of remorse as he stared at Sirius's face, but it was overshadowed by his anger. He could feel the wolf inside him practically snarling to be free.

"I'm not going to fight you, Remus." Sirius said quietly, "If you want to fight me I won't stop you, but I'm not going to fight back." As if to prove his point he crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall.

"What?" Remus asked incredulously, his hands forming fists. He crossed the space between them and grabbed Sirius by the front of his shirt, pushing him against the wall once more.

"Fight me." He demanded, inches away from the other boy's face. Sirius made no moves to defend himself, instead he reached his hands up and gently covered Remus's own where they were buried in his shirt.

"Fight me!" he said again, shaking Sirius.

Was he really going to leave him alone like this, with nothing but his anger? If he couldn't give him resolution, or trust, or love, could he not at least have this? Remus suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything he'd endured the past few weeks, maybe even years. All the secrets he had to keep, the burden he was to his friends, the betrayal he felt from Sirius, and overall the constant, enduring rejection of loving someone incapable of loving you back. The pain of not being able to say it aloud, even once, to be too scared to even admit it to yourself openly. Hot tears sprang from his eyes, leaving a path on his cheeks. He noticed with surprise that Sirius was crying too, and he let him go.

Turning around he swung his fist at the tunnel wall instead, and a cloud of dust sprang from the ceiling and fell down on them. He looked down to see his knuckles were scraped and bloody, unlike his magical injuries from the full moon at least these would heal.

Remus, your hand-" Sirius said, staring forward.

"Leave it." Remus said quietly. 

His anger seemed to escape him like air out of a balloon, only to be replaced with an overwhelming sadness. He slid down the wall and back onto the floor, now it was his turn to rest his head in his hands. He could sense Sirius above him, hesitating. Eventually he sat down as well, and they resumed their silence. Only this time Remus no longer had the energy to speak. Sirius spoke up.

"Do you really think we became animagi just to show off?" Sirius asked.

Remus snorted. "That comment got to you, did it?" Sirius rolled his eyes and waited expectantly. 

"No." Remus replied wearily, he suddenly felt extraordinarily tired. "I don't really think that."

"I know you told us not to but we figured you just didn't want us to go out of our way for you." Sirius said cautiously, as if he expected Remus to contradict him at any second.

He settled with a shrug, it wasn't like Sirius was exactly wrong, but becoming animagi just to play with a werewolf was also insanely dangerous. He hadn't been wrong to advise them against it. 

"Why are we talking about this Sirius?" He asked.

"Because I didn't do it to prove something about myself!" Sirius said, "I did it because you were being caged up once a month to scratch and bite yourself half to death! I did it because I hated seeing you in the hospital room covered in scars and too exhausted to keep up with your schoolwork! I did it so that we could get through the full moon together, because that's how we've gotten through everything-- together."

Remus looked up to see Sirius leaning forward and staring at him with an almost crazed look in his eyes.

"What are you on about?" He asked, brow furrowing, "Are you expecting me to thank you?"

Sirius shook his head, "No Moony, that's the point. I would never want you to thank me, because you don't need to thank me. I did it because I care about you. I'm sorry I've made you feel like I don't, because I do."

Remus's heart caught in his throat, and he felt a blush rise in his cheeks. They'd never talked so openly about how they felt before, it just wasn't the way they did things. Even now as good as it felt to hear those words he also felt an acute sense of embarrassment. Sirius on the other hand was practically beaming, and he shuffled forward until he was only inches away from Remus. 

"Sirius..." Remus said, unsure where to go from here. They were getting so close to one another that he could see the tear stains on Sirius's cheek, and how brightly his eyes shone even in the dark. He could smell a different emotion rising off of him now. It wasn't anger but something almost as dark, the scent seemed to flood the tunnel until he could scarcely breathe. His heart began to hammer away in his chest.

"Remus." Sirius said in a half-whisper, and the way his mouth looked forming his name made him shudder. His blush deepened, was he seriously having lustful thoughts about his best friend he almost got into a fist fight with? Yet Sirius was the one moving his arms forward, until Remus was trapped between him and the wall behind him. Sirius was the one still whispering his name softly as he leaned forward, and it was Sirius who finally closed the gap between them, until all Remus could feel was the delicate touch of his lips.

Remus remained still, eyes widening in shock. After a second Sirius pulled away, looking down at Remus sheepishly.

"I'm sorry," He said, moving away slowly.

"No!" Remus said hoarsely, grabbing the other boy's arm, "Don't go, I-" He looked up at Sirius, at a loss for words. _ I love you _ , he thought. _ And I've been wanting to kiss you for ages. _

Sirius stared back at him, mouth turning up in a grin.

"You- I mean you also-" Sirius said.

"Yeah." Remus said with a grin of his own, responding to the question before Sirius had the chance to articulate it. "Me also."

And this time he was the one to make the first move. He pressed his lips to Sirius's own with an almost rough insistence, as if he could make up for the weeks of confusion and anger through touch. He reached his hands up to explore Sirius's body in earnest, caressing his face and tangling his fingers in his hair. He noticed his body in a way he never had before as Sirius ran his hands up and down his back, feeling each scar he tried so desperately to hide, and yet passing by them as if they meant nothing. As if they were just another part of Remus, and he couldn't get enough of him. They fell back onto the tunnel floor, wrapped up in one another. 

"S'dirty." Remus murmured, breaking away from Sirius. The other boy hummed in agreement and rolled on top of him, pressing kisses down his neck and collarbone.

"Do you want to be on top then?" He said roughly into Remus's ear, grazing it with his teeth.

"Woah!" Remus said in shock as Sirius chuckled, reaching his hand down between them to tease at the waistband of his jeans. Two could play at this game, Remus thought, as he leaned his hips forward to press against him. Now it was Sirius's turn to stare down at him in shock, though if the look in his eyes was any indication he wasn't too scandalized.

"Moony... if you keep that up then I'm afraid I'll have to sully your virtuous reputation right on this disgusting floor."

Remus laughed, "Virtuous reputation? Black, you wound me."

"Well you are Gryffindor's perfect ickle prefect after all!" Sirius cackled as Remus punched him in the arm.

"Don't make me give you detention." Remus said with a wry smile.

"Oh, how naughty!" Sirius said with a suggestive eyebrow waggle. Remus rolled his eyes and promptly stood up, dropping the other boy onto the floor where he groaned in mock agony.

"Come on, Romeo." Remus said, offering Sirius a hand. "As irresistible as you are I'd prefer to hook up elsewhere."

"That's the difference between you and me, Remus." Sirius said as Remus hauled him up, "As long as it's with you I'll hook up anywhere. I'm somewhat of a romantic."

Remus snorted, "You're something alright." Sirius grinned at him, keeping their fingers entwined as they made their way out of the tunnel and began walking back to the common room. 

It was funny, Remus thought. He wasted all of that time thinking about Sirius, and yet he never entertained the possibility things would end up like this. The weight of their hands clasped together felt so heavy, so real, and so warm. He wondered if anyone had ever held on to him like this, like they didn't want to let go. He wondered how long this could last, or how long they could keep it between themselves before the weight of other's expectations came crashing in. He wondered if once the sun rose Sirius would have regrets.

"You're thinking yourself into a state, I can tell." Sirius said suddenly.

"Well someone has to. Think, that is." Remus grumbled, slightly embarrassed at how easily he'd been read.

"Yeah, maybe," Sirius said, purposefully leading Remus into an empty classroom, "but not tonight."

He turned to face Remus then, and raising his wand he silently locked the door behind them.

"What about the common room?" Remus asked in surprise.

"Too many people." Sirius replied, and he closed the gap between them.

Remus became lost in him. He marveled at the softness of his lips and the rough texture of his palms. He blushed at the sound of their gasps mingling in the air, and the way their bodies felt like two puzzle pieces finally coming together. Being with Sirius like this could drive him mad, or maybe it already had. Tomorrow they'd have to face what this meant for their friendship. Remus would have to wonder whether this meant he forgave Sirius's betrayal, or if it just made things worse. They'd have to face James, and the aftermath of the party, and (in Remus's case) a hangover. But not tonight, he told himself, melting into Sirius's kiss.

Not tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this mess all the way to the end, I spent a lot of time toying with it before being like, "Ugh just publish it already!" Sometimes things don't go as smooth as you'd like, you know how it is.


End file.
